Six months

Next Friday will be six months since Brie was born. Wow...six months...since the day my life will forever be changed. In those six months I feel like I have grown by leaps and bounds as a woman...I have learned a few things that will forever change me.
1.) Heaven is a place I can't wait to go. It has become as real as New York City or China or Canada...heaven is where my little girl currently is...shining in the light of her Savior and where she'll always be. When my dad first learned that we had lost Brie, he told my mom that he saw her with golden braids dancing at the feet of Jesus. In my dreams, that's exactly how I see her. I recently read "Heaven is for Real" about a young boy Colton's short 3 minute visit to heaven during an appendicitis attack that nearly killed him. In the book, he describes heaven as vividly as a journey to any location would be. He meets his older sister, who was miscarried at 8 weeks, and she hugs and hugs him. That image is forever in my mind because I look forward to the day when I get to go be in heaven with my little girl, and she will hug and hug me.
2.) Earth is a place I'm not too crazy about. Since we lost Brie, people are different. People who haven't experienced grief and loss have no idea how to respond. They either don't talk to me because they feel what happened is somehow contagious or they simply avoid me because they don't know what to say. On the other hand, some people don't seem to be phased at all by what happened. They think I should be over it if I'm able to go back to work and succeed at my job. They schedule baby showers and expect me to attend...or talk about babies oblivious to how badly it stings.
3.) Having a family should not be taken for granted. All around me are women with big swollen pregnant bellies, or with new babies, or with a huge family. It seems that everytime someone I know gets pregnant, it is just assumed she will have the baby nine months later. Why does it seem like what happened to me ONLY happened to me, but everyone else who gets pregnant will have their baby with no problems?
4.) People simly don't get it. I can yell and scream until I'm red in the face that we're still hurting...that my daughter's death was not my fault...that it could happen to you too, Miss "Perfect Pregnancy". I got so mad the other day when someone asked my sister about what happened. Someone else cut her off by saying, "Oh, she had a miscarriage." as flippantly as possible. A miscarriage is very very different from a stillborn. My daughter had a funeral...has a grave...had a voice...and a personality...and she had weight and height on this earth...she had PJ's funny toes and his dark dark hair...and the most adorable little nose...she wasn't miscarried...she was born sleeping.

Thank you to those who tell me, "I have no idea what you're going through but we're praying for you."
To those of you who don't know what you're talking about or think I'm "over it" please think again...there will never be a day when I'm over it...never...I will miss her for the rest of my life.