Little Flutters

Today I am sitting in my classroom anticipating what tomorrow, the first day of the new school year, will bring. Last year I was 24 weeks pregnant when the new school year started, full of excitement about my soon-to-be-born baby girl. When the school year ended on June 3, I was mourning 6 months since she went to be with Jesus. What an incredible journey I was on last school year. An emotional journey full of tears shed in my classroom before students arrived...of panic in the middle of class when something would trigger a memory.
As I start again this year, I am beginning the school year with yet again hope. I am almost 15 weeks pregnant, full of some hope but wary of the future. I am hesitant to be excited because I know how quickly it can all be gone. As I progress in my pregnancy, I constantly place my hand on my swelling-by-the-week belly and pray that the blood of Jesus would protect this child. I know that satan has dominion over the earth and he roams the earth seeking whom he may devour. I know that the only weapon I have is prayer, and I know that He Who promised is faithful.
Today as I attended yet another meeting, I got a sensation that I haven't felt in a long time. At first, I thought it was my imagination but as I sat there not moving it became more and more....flutters...little tiny flutters in my belly! Such an excitment rose in me as I realized there is indeed hope within my belly...hope for another child...hope for our very quiet home...hope for a house full of children....hope for a better school year.

Forever Cousins

I am always in search of memorials to remember Brie. I have a charm bracelet from PJ, and over the past six months he has given me Brie's birthstone and a pacifier charm. My mom had a remembrance bracelet made for me with Brie's name and birthday engraved on it. Both of these bracelets are incredibly important to me, and I wear them everyday. However, to a grieving mommy like myself, you can never have enough memorials when you've lost a baby. I read Angie Smith's blog "Bring the Rain" at http://angiesmithonline.com/2008/01/beginning-of-story.html and she was discussing a company run by Christian moms called "Baby Be Blessed Dolls."(Website is www.babybeblesseddolls.com) This company makes dolls that resemble your child, and they stitch in the bellies the child's name, birthday and a scripture. Since my nieces Madeline and Abigail are too young to remember much about Brie, I had a doll made for each of them as well as having a Brie doll made. After taking a picture of the three together, I gave Madeline and Abigail their doll with the picture of all three. Madeline, being freshly 2 really doesn't understand but surprisingly Abigail actually seems to understand.
The morning of Aly's graduation, a week ago Abigail turned to me and asked me where my baby was and if I still had a baby in my belly. I can't believe she remembers! We have told her that Brie is "dancing with Jesus", and she seems to atleast accept that. So, I gave her her "Abigail" doll with the framed picture and explained to her who each doll was. I honestly believes she got it because she immediately told everyone in the room that the picture was of her, Maddy and "Baby Bee" as she calls Brie. She just lit up and set the picture on the coffee table. When Melanie started to pack up Abigail's things to go home, Abigail kept asking where the baby and the picture were. My hope is that when the girls look at their dolls and the picture of all three, they will remember Brie and understand where she is.

Things You Shouldn't Say to a Woman Who Has Had a Loss

After talking with different ladies who have experienced loss, we all seem to share some common experiences with people who (we think) who mean well but end up saying the WRONG thing. So I've made a list of (what I call) my top ten things NOT to say to someone who has experienced a loss:

1.) "Don't worry...you'll have more children"

2.) "Well, it's a blessing because your child may have been disabled."

3.) (on Christmas or birthdays) "Don't be sad. After all, your child is in heaven!"

4.) "You seem like you're doing great, so it must not have taken you long to get over it!"

5.) "Look at these beautiful pictures of my baby!"

6.) "Can you come to my baby shower?"

7.) "Gosh, my pregnancy is going so perfectly!"

8.) "I don't ever take my prenatal pills...oh well!"

9.) "If I drink during my pregnancy, I'm sure my baby will be fine...After all, my grandmother drank and my mom was fine!"

10.) "When are you going to have another baby?"

Six months

Next Friday will be six months since Brie was born. Wow...six months...since the day my life will forever be changed. In those six months I feel like I have grown by leaps and bounds as a woman...I have learned a few things that will forever change me.
1.) Heaven is a place I can't wait to go. It has become as real as New York City or China or Canada...heaven is where my little girl currently is...shining in the light of her Savior and where she'll always be. When my dad first learned that we had lost Brie, he told my mom that he saw her with golden braids dancing at the feet of Jesus. In my dreams, that's exactly how I see her. I recently read "Heaven is for Real" about a young boy Colton's short 3 minute visit to heaven during an appendicitis attack that nearly killed him. In the book, he describes heaven as vividly as a journey to any location would be. He meets his older sister, who was miscarried at 8 weeks, and she hugs and hugs him. That image is forever in my mind because I look forward to the day when I get to go be in heaven with my little girl, and she will hug and hug me.
2.) Earth is a place I'm not too crazy about. Since we lost Brie, people are different. People who haven't experienced grief and loss have no idea how to respond. They either don't talk to me because they feel what happened is somehow contagious or they simply avoid me because they don't know what to say. On the other hand, some people don't seem to be phased at all by what happened. They think I should be over it if I'm able to go back to work and succeed at my job. They schedule baby showers and expect me to attend...or talk about babies oblivious to how badly it stings.
3.) Having a family should not be taken for granted. All around me are women with big swollen pregnant bellies, or with new babies, or with a huge family. It seems that everytime someone I know gets pregnant, it is just assumed she will have the baby nine months later. Why does it seem like what happened to me ONLY happened to me, but everyone else who gets pregnant will have their baby with no problems?
4.) People simly don't get it. I can yell and scream until I'm red in the face that we're still hurting...that my daughter's death was not my fault...that it could happen to you too, Miss "Perfect Pregnancy". I got so mad the other day when someone asked my sister about what happened. Someone else cut her off by saying, "Oh, she had a miscarriage." as flippantly as possible. A miscarriage is very very different from a stillborn. My daughter had a funeral...has a grave...had a voice...and a personality...and she had weight and height on this earth...she had PJ's funny toes and his dark dark hair...and the most adorable little nose...she wasn't miscarried...she was born sleeping.

Thank you to those who tell me, "I have no idea what you're going through but we're praying for you."
To those of you who don't know what you're talking about or think I'm "over it" please think again...there will never be a day when I'm over it...never...I will miss her for the rest of my life.

Dance for Jesus: Dance for Jesus: Brie's Story

Dance for Jesus: Dance for Jesus: Brie's Story: "Dance for Jesus: Brie's Story: 'My name is Sarah Hackett, and I'm an educator in Lexington, South Carolina. A little of my history: I g..."

Dance for Jesus: Brie's Story

Dance for Jesus: Brie's Story: "My name is Sarah Hackett, and I'm an educator in Lexington, South Carolina. A little of my history: I graduated from Shorter College (now S..."

Brie's Story

My name is Sarah Hackett, and I'm an educator in Lexington, South Carolina. A little of my history: I graduated from Shorter College (now Shorter University) in December 2000 and taught high school science at Briarwood Christian School in Birmingham, AL for two years before deciding to go back to school. I graduated from the University of Alabama in December 2007 with a master's degree and moved to Lexington, SC to teach high school science. My then boyfriend PJ Hackett became my husband on October 25, 2008.

We got pregnant with our first child in early April 2010. I had a "perfect" pregnancy alongside my sister Bethany Davis who was due the same day as I was, December 15, 2010. Bethany gave birth to her son Gabriel on November 30, 2010, and our daughter Brie slipped away the next day December 1. We were completely devastated to discover that our sweet Brie Brie's umbilical cord was not formed correctly. This malformation was only about 1/4 inch and had twisted about 5 times. In all of the research I have done, it seems that babies in this scenario adjust and compensate during the pregnancy so there is no indication anything is wrong. Sadly the cord twists until the baby can do longer compensate, and she simply slipped away.
I was induced on December 3rd and gave birth to our beautiful baby girl, Brienna "Brie" Katherine Hackett. She was 20 and 1/4 inches and weighed 5 pounds 11 ounces. With a full head of dark brown hair, she was a clone of her daddy. I have always made fun of his cute "elfish" ears, and Brie had the same ears. She also had his toes. The only part of me in my daughter were her fingers.
We had a photographer from the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation who came and took professional pictures of our daughter. We had a dedication service for her on December 5th and our close family was present as we all said goodbye to a little girl we were not ready to say goodbye to. On February 12th, we laid her ashes to rest at a memorial garden here in town.

The purpose of this blog is to have an outlet to talk about my daughter, her relationship to me during the pregnancy, the dreams I had for her, everything I miss about her and things that have helped me deal with the grief. I hope that this blog will be therapeutic to other mothers in my position as well as a place I can simply share my feelings without judgment or condemnation.